Transitions

Some life transitions are obvious: starting school, leaving school, our first job, getting married, someone you love dying, puberty, menopause, retirement and so forth. Others may have overtaken us before we realize it, such as the move from the 'first adulthood' where we are establishing ourselves, having children and accumulating the material trappings of adult life, to the 'second adulthood', where we are moving toward the empty nest years, and the inner journey to life's fuller meaning, often called the midlife transition.

William Bridges has written several books on transitions and I like the framework he uses to describe the process: first we have an ending, then a neutral zone and then a beginning.

Whether a transition is obvious or not, it can seem to be out of proportion to the event. And sometimes we don't even know we are in a transition until we are mostly through it! All we know is our life has felt settled and good, and then something happens and we start feeling lost and confused, or 'wandering in the underworld' and we don't know why and can't seem to do anything about it. These are typical feelings for someone in the first stage of transition, i.e. the ending phase.

What follows is often a feeling of 'disintegration', where nothing seems to make sense. We sometimes feel as though we are failing, or malfunctioning, but it's really just the neutral place, where the true new beginning is gestating.

The 'neutral time' can be very trying. By it's nature, it is an unknown. It can be described as a 'night sea journey', where we know we have left something behind, but we do not know what or WHEN something new will replace it. It's important to remember that no mere fixing-up of things will do when we are in transition. A complete change is called for! As Robert Frost said, we must be "Lost enough to find ourselves".

I like to keep a quote by Andre Gide in mind as encouragement in the neutral time: "One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time."

While we are in the neutral time, we may discover, or be offered many new choices and directions, and although tempting, some of these choices could be blind alleys.

Sometimes we have uncompleted endings from the past that hinder the completion of a current transition. Therapy can be very helpful at this time, to help sort out which choices might lead to a fuller life, and which might drag us down. For example we might have left a negative or destructive situation or relationship, and without therapy we are in danger of getting into a similar one without realizing it until it is too late.

An interesting fact though, is that almost everyone has trouble with new beginnings. We think we should be in charge of our lives, and we plan carefully to start something new. But life is not like that. Unexpected challenges invariably confront us, no matter how carefully we plan!

When we are feeling lost and stuck in some unknown swamp, it is immeasurably helpful to have someone in our life who recognizes what is happening and who can help us stay the course and not lose heart, knowing that this too shall pass.

I, like everyone else, have been through many transitions in my life, and have learned how the process works. I am able now to help others in their transitions.

My most recent transition started with menopause in my late forties, and continued for several years after my menopause symptoms were pretty well gone. It was one of the biggest transitions of my life, and has left me with a deeper understanding of the life journey, which I can now use to help those I work with handle difficult transitions themselves.

My husband has also gone through a major midlife transition during the past several years, and has created a website for middle aged men: www.midlife-men.com. You, or someone you love, may find useful information there.

If you are interested in reading William Bridges books, click here: Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes